Dazed
by IntravenousDollhouse
Summary: One of the wolves has a secret, and it is leaving him dazed, envious, and wondering which move he should make in concern with the leader of the pack.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Secret

He always walked so briskly ahead of us.

I suppose it made sense; he was our leader. This little quest was his idea, after all. I was only drawn in by the prospect of adventure. Besides, I was alone. Thinking about it now, I am still alone.

However, I have my secret to keep me company. I usually try to hold all of these things inside. I'd never tell him - with his hands clasped gently, tenderly, in the grasp of that girl.

I admit I liked her too, at first, but she takes his attention away from me; and I like him more. I want him to see me again. I want to be the only one for him. I want it to be more like it used to be - even before we met up with Tsume and Toboe. Definitely before we met up with Cheza.

He frets over her so much, like she's a child. Should I be childish? Should I pretend to need his attention, his concern? Would that make him look at me again? Nah, he'd be annoyed. Though, I'll probably never know for sure. He makes me feel uncertain of everything, all the time. He's hard to read. I wonder if he sees how I feel? He probably wouldn't mention it if he did. He'd just stay focused on finding Paradise. I guess, if we find Paradise, I'll get to be with him. That's really the only way it would be Paradise for me.

Screw adventure. The real reason I joined in on this search for Paradise was to follow him. After all, from the minute I first saw him…well, it was love at first sight. I guess that's what I mean to say. I'm in love with Kiba.

Me secret is sometimes hard to admit to myself. I'm worried - worried about how he will react. I'm worried about his orientation. Does he even like men? Probably not. I'm more of a boy than a man anyways. Even if we were to get to that point it would never work, because you see, I would just screw it all up. I change my mind a lot of the time. It's part confusion, part depression, and part having to hide stuff all the time. Yep. I screw up the things around me. I can barely handle being teased by Tsume; how could I ever know how to deal with Kiba's feelings?

What I am trying to say is that I might change my mind someday. I might come to realize that Kiba isn't what I need most. I'd lose that slight, frail bit of happiness that I have left. Or, I'd exchange the happiness I currently find with Kiba and find it somewhere else...what would that do to Kiba? If, by some chance he decided to throw away his love for Cheza, and stay by my side instead - he'd probably lose everything. For what? Me? No. It's too risky, and so it should remain a secret. I can't let myself hurt him; not the one precious person I've found in life.

As I ruminated over this dilemma, I heard a taunting sort of grunt from behind me. Only Tsume could taunt someone with a grunt - I hope. What name would it be this time? Something to do with my slight weight problem? Is it even a problem? More importantly, does it bother Kiba? I suddenly felt sort of panicked...

'What do you want to say?' I asked Tsume, trying to cram as much rudeness as possible into my tone of voice. I don't always know why I try to provoke him...I guess I just don't want to let him get away with trying to provoke me.

He came up beside me, with that air of foreboding that he pulls off so well. What a pessimist.

'Does it bother you that he doesn't rest beside you when we sleep anymore?' He said quietly, leaving Toboe - who now pursued Tsume beside me like the lost puppy he was - completely in the dark.

Sometimes I wish Tsume was as dumb as Toboe. I guess I wish Kiba would be my lost puppy dog too; I mean, at least he'd need me.

'Shut up.' I replied. Tsume didn't even blink. Toboe winced for him.

They'd make a good pair. Tsume with his callous façade and Toboe with his warmth and subtle persistence. Balance is a good thing.

'He only wants to be with her, you know. Cheza and Paradise are what he truly cares about. I would have though that even you could see that.'

Now he was being pointlessly cruel. I had already processed that information on my own. He wanted to taunt me. It was working. I felt a stinging sensation behind my eyes; wet, hot, and traitorous. My mouth went all hot, like it does right before you vomit. I felt ill. I hate having to accept a hopeless situation. That's why I use a false persona, after all - a more happy-go-lucky kind of persona. At least, that's what I hope I have managed to portray. Of course, he always sees through me...damn Tsume. Kiba would see through it all too, maybe, if he weren't always so focused on other things. Would he even care though?

'Tsume, don't be cruel.' Toboe frowned, not quite understanding the situation. I guess I owe the runt for having the audacity to stand up for me.

'Both of you, mind your own business.' I said, trying to inflect cruelty and lightheartedness into my voice at the same time - cruelty for Tsume and lightheartedness for Toboe.

Needless to say, that attempt was futile. Toboe looked a little hurt and Tsume just looked more amused.

Dammit.

'Look Toboe, thanks for the concern, but could you let me and Tsume talk on our own for a bit?' The kid looked a little happier because he could see my genuine appreciation, but underneath that he was still frustrated. Nevertheless, he dropped back behind us, maintaining a slower pace.

'Tsume,' I turned to the offensive creature still beside me, 'You have a lot of insight...but a crappy way of putting it to use, you know?'

'You should stop punishing yourself.'

'Right, that's your job. Got it.'

'Just shut up and listen to me.' He grumbled. I was surprised by the change in his tone of voice. He was no longer mocking me. In fact, his face reflected grudging concern. He clearly had something important to say.

I nodded my head to signal that I'd listen.

'Kiba cares about you. You were the first wolf he accepted company from, you realize. For Kiba, that meant placing a lot of trust in your hands. He wasn't so quick to trust anyone else.' Tsume said, probably recalling his initial fight with Kiba.

Tsume wasn't exactly the trusting sort either, as I recall correctly.

He continued, 'He can be hard to read sometimes, but you will discover the signs. No one else is so simple.'

Simple? I wouldn't have attached that word to Kiba.

'And I can tell that...he loves you too.'

Wait, what?

Kiba...loved me? Was Tsume taunting me again? No...his eyes were sincere.

'H-how can you tell?' I stammered, sounding like an idiot.

Tsume did laugh this time, but it was soft, kind - unusual for Tsume; well, unheard of for Tsume.

'Even when he is being stroked by Cheza, pretending to sleep, he looks away from her. He looks at the pack, appreciative, I suppose. His eyes stay with you the longest. It's a strange look that he gets, but I think...well, I'm almost positive that it's longing. He misses being by your side.'

'That can't be right...he obviously loves Cheza.' I countered.

'It's more of a protective love for Cheza. She can be pretty helpless sometimes. He feels a connection to her. It is mainly Paradise related. Still love, but different. Does that make sense to you?'

I swallowed. I may have a chance with Kiba?

'Wait...then why did you say all that stuff earlier? About Cheza and Paradise being the only two things that mattered to Kiba?' I felt doubt slide down my throat like a dead snake.

'I wanted to see if that was what you were thinking. My speculations were correct, apparently. You believed everything that I said. You accepted that stuff as true, and it bothered you.'

All of a sudden I could breathe again. The doubt removed itself from my throat...for now at least. I felt elated. Tsume might be on to something.

'I...don't know what to say.'

'Just stop moping.'

'...Okay.' I could oblige him for the moment.

I smirked. 'Now go back to your Toboe.'

He slipped back towards Toboe, who had been starting to whine, in his wolf form.

For once since Cheza joined us, I felt more secure. Not too secure, though. First, I wanted some proof to hold on to. So I planned on staying up that night.

Maybe I'd be able to see what Tsume sees.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Envious

Her shiny, pink hair lifted in the slight breeze, gently lapping against her porcelain skin. Cheza's striking eyes looked down into Kiba's as she stroked him gently, meaning to lull him, lovingly, into sleep. I watched all this with a barely stifled growl.

She's always stroking him. I just get to watch from here. She's far superior to me in attractiveness at least. She's female, which would make her an asset in an all-male group - well, maybe not with this group - but perhaps with Kiba? I hope not.

Kiba, I know I am not as graceful, or beautiful, or innocent, pure, gentle, or even as necessary as she is; but I want you. I love you. Please see me. Dammit, why is she always so perfect? She can't do any wrong, especially in Kiba's eyes. Maybe I'll forget this stupid plan and just get some sleep.

No. I couldn't sleep right now even if I tried. The picture of them together would keep me awake. I could feel my stomach twisting with jealousy. It all makes me sick. Kiba looked beautiful tonight...just like every other night. I watched as he gently closed his eyes.

Was he sleeping? Or pretending to sleep?

I'll stay up after all.

'Good night guys...' Toboe mumbled, clearly in a pre-sleep daze.

'Night.' I replied. I was the only one still awake, besides Kiba, maybe.

I watched the wind rustle his fur, making it messy, and childlike. It's so pure - he's so pure. I don't want to taint you, Kiba.

I watched him through barely-open eyes. I waited. My eyelids felt heavy but my anxiety kept me awake. Kiba...

I heard a shuffling sound from behind a clump of bushes nearby and I shut my eyes tightly, startled. I heard the chattering of a squirrel - the source of the noise - but my tension remained. I opened my eyes fully...Kiba was probably asleep anyways.

I was mistaken.

The light from the moon matched his fur perfectly. He was obviously special. How could he, as such a magnificent creature, be anything otherwise? He's radiant. I gulped, finally noticing that my stare was reciprocated. My throat felt tight and I know that my human palms would have been sweating like mad. As it was, my fur was definitely raised; it probably made me look chubbier.

'Hige.'

I heard his voice; low and steady, tinged with slight sleepiness. My name had never sounded so alluring. He himself was alluring. I wanted to be enthralled by him.

'Y-yes Kiba?' I managed to murmur - hardly impressive. Kiba smiled slightly. I could feel the smile. My face burned underneath my fur. I could feel that too.

'Are you having trouble sleeping?'

'Yes.' I replied.

It was the truth, but not the whole story.

'Do you need help?' He asked me. I couldn't help but fantasize about the different ways that he could help me relax; soothe my body. I felt like a pervert. I told myself to answer him in a more dignified way.

'I want - don't you - huh?'

Well, so much for that.

He strode towards me. I could still feel the smile on his face. He sat beside me; and that was when the grooming began. His tongue grazed along my fur, smoothing. It felt great. I was becoming relaxed - and aroused, but only slightly. I could have fallen asleep.

Everything felt right. I am not sure when I drifted off entirely. The transition was smooth and gentle, like his tongue. Morning didn't have to come so fast. I could wait in this fantasy, sleeping beside the warmth of Kiba. I had found my paradise.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Insane

What was that song again? I heard it in a pub once. Interestingly enough, it was one of the main pieces of musical history that had been salvaged from way back in the day. This stuff was old! The lyrics - what were they? Something about a hammer...bang bang? AH! Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head. His head? Both heads? Well, whatever. The song had only popped into my head because it was currently aching. I had been thinking too hard again.

Well, I knew who's hammer had crushed me.

It wasn't his fault that I was feeling distraught though. Kiba is wonderful. Now though? I have to admit that I'm confused.

However, that grooming was great.

Oh, Kiba. I hope this becomes a routine - and at the same time, I really don't think I could handle it if it did. Having him sit so close to me, and make such affectionate contact with me is painful and relieving all at once. The contrast between these two feelings is harsh though...and the aftermath? Well, it leads one to contemplate heavy drinking, leads one to pubs, and leads one to silver hammers wielded by a young man named Maxwell.

Needless to say, I am going crazy. I'm crazy over you, Kiba. That's right. Fix me? Can this even be fixed? Well, enough rambling. It is time to take action. I am going to reveal my feelings for you, Kiba. We could be so happy together, you and I. We'd be great together! I hope you see it too Kiba. We'd be the best couple ever. Just please choose me. Please. Choose me over her. Let what Tsume says be true, otherwise I'll feel like such an idiot. Tsume will help me to feel like even more of an idiot, I'm sure. He's good at that. He's actually a pretty useful guy, all things considered.

I just hope I can be useful too.

Do you see it Kiba? Do you see my potential? I want you to acknowledge me that way, commend me on a job well done. I could always hunt down a certain owl; that might turn out well.

I sighed. My thoughts were churning about in useless circles. That's where our journey is leading us though, right? In circles? Maybe we'll all just have to start over again when we reach Paradise. For those of us who do not make it the first time, that is. Do we even get a second chance? Or do we go somewhere else entirely? I don't want to die before I get the chance to tell Kiba the truth. Same goes for entering Paradise, whether I can or not.

Our pack abruptly came to a halt. I was jarred out of my little reverie. That was fine by me. I needed something else to think about anyways. Really, all we were doing was stopping to eat.

It would suffice.

As if on cue, Tsume suggested that Kiba and I go searching for something to bring back as food. Toboe and him would stay behind with Cheza; something I am sure she was not entirely comfortable with. Then again, who knows? Cheza didn't always give a clear indication of what she felt. Did she even have a high enough degree of sentience to think about these things? One would hope so; her being the flower maiden and all...

Kiba smiled a tiny bit. It was almost undetectable. I guess I was meant to be the sole witness to it. Maybe Kiba had something he wanted to discuss with me too?

'Hige, we should go.' That soothing voice again...

'Y-yeah...let's go...'

Kiba's smile became pronounced.

We walked silently, hoping that somewhere in this wasteland there would be an animal stupid enough to wander around alone.

I caught sight of a solitary rabbit. I lunged forward, hoping to impress Kiba before revealing my secret to him. I caught the unlucky, stunned critter easily. Kiba walked up respectfully and sniffed at the food.

'Good, that's yours. Let me catch mine and another one. You take care of the last one.'

'Hopefully we can find more that's as big as a rabbit. I'm tired of insects.'

'Same here.' He grimaced.

I could definitely relate to his frown. Insects were strangely chewy and they frequently got stuck between teeth. I happily realized that I had found something new to distract my thoughts.

'Hey, Hige?'

He fixed me with those direct, gentian eyes. All of my thoughts helplessly returned to him.

'Yeah Kiba?'

'I got some more rabbits. There seem to be a lot of them around here...'

'So, do you wanna get back to the others?' My question lingered with us, just like one of those chewy insects that get stuck in your teeth.

Kiba knew what my alternative was, even though it was unspoken.

'Let's stay here. I need to speak with you.'

I am glad he chose the alternative.

'Kiba I-'

'Don't apologize for last night. It was my decision, and if you are happy with me, and you want to be with me...I would like to pursue a relationship.'

I was stunned.

'K-Kiba. I...you...want...me? What about-'

'Cheza? She isn't a very physical being, to begin with. She is fragile, somehow ephemeral,' his lips became tight as he uttered the previous word, 'and entirely untouchable; emotionally, physically, and psychologically. She's on an entirely different level than we are - than we'll ever be.'

Well, that was unexpected; but not unreasonable.

'Kiba...I'm kinda in shock.' I chuckled nervously before I made my way to him.

'Hige, does this mean you don't want-' This time I interrupted him, in my own way. His lips were warm.

When we broke apart I whispered in my best attempting-to-be-sexy voice, 'Maybe we should head back now.'

Kiba was outwardly calm, but I saw the anticipation in his eyes. Tonight wouldn't be a lonely one.

We walked slowly back to camp, his hand clasped in mine. When we reached the site, Tsume was the first to witness our blatant body language, mainly because Toboe was fast asleep, with Cheza resting her eyes and stroking him. Tsume granted us a tiny, tiny smile and then feigned agitation.

'What took you two so long? I knew that you were slow, Hige, but I expected better from Kiba.' He grabbed a rabbit - the largest one - and sat back by the fire, the tiny, tiny smile still toying with his lips.


End file.
